Here are things I will do for you if you ask me, for a price.
Appetizers
Like One of Your Tweets
Send me a tweet and if I hate it I’ll like it.
$15.00
Tell You a Riddle
Want to hear a riddle? That’ll be $14.00.
$14.00
Rate Your Feet Pics
Price may vary on quality.
$????
Eat Coconut Shrimp
I will live your dream and eat coconut shrimp for you
$12.50
Croûtons
Croûtons
$18.50
Fricassée of Wild Mushrooms
Braised wild mushrooms served with seaweed and liquid nitrogen
$14.50
Main Course
Kiss You in a Dream
I will astral project into your dream and kiss you. (add On the Lips for $2.00)
$25.50
Bouillabaisse
Traditional Provençal fish stew, with shrimp, mussels, clams and monkfish
$26.00
Ratio
I’ll ratio you.
$28.00
Côte de Boeuf
I know this translates to “side of beef” but like, all I can think of is “Beef Coast.”
$31.00
Explain a Joke
So the default template has all of these dishes and prices, ya know, but I’m only changing some of them, for comedy.
$0.00
Confess my Love for You
Love isn’t free. ($2 extra if you want me to Mean It)
$33.00
Desserts
Chef’s Kiss
Similar to the Kiss You in a Dream, but I will be dressed as a chef and you won’t know it’s me.
$12.00
Kill You in a Dream
You will not wake up.
$500.00
Stop me from Tweeting Something Awful
At any moment I could tweet something absolutely horrendous. This will stop 1 (one) tweet.
$12.00
Call You in the Middle of the Night and Leave a Deranged Voicemail
If you wake up you have to talk to me.
$12.00
The Company Limes Tart
It tastes better because they’re stolen from the company
$12.00
Trio of Fruit
Blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, plums and passion fruit (I didn’t change this one at all, why tf is it $28, it’s just a bunch of fruit???? also it says “trio” but it’s 5 fruits??? smh)
$28.00
Our limes are stolen freshly from the company.
jon prime 